Hi, funk bands? I’d like to request a cover of St. Vincent’s “Digital Witness” please.

This song is brilliant. (And is it just me or can anyone else hear it as a cameo on Beck’s Midnite Vultures?)

I really really really wanna hear a live cover by a large funk band. Like a 12-piece funk band with multiple guitarists and a horn section and a bongo player. Basically, I’d like to time travel to Sesame Street and hear Stevie and his band go from this version of “Superstition” right into “Digital Witness”.

Since that’s not possible, and since I’m not in a funk band to cover it myself (why am I not in a funk band?), I’ll make A PLEA TO FUNK BANDS IN THE NIAGARA REGION: PLEASE COVER “DIGITAL WITNESS” SO THAT I CAN COME TO YOUR SHOW AND LOSE MY MIND.

(P.S. Then maybe after your set I buy your band a round as a thank you for accommodating my request. We get to talking and I’m nervous because I’m generally terrified of talking to people I don’t know but you’re cool as a cucumber and aren’t put off by my social awkwardness. We actually hit it off nicely and become friends. We jam a few times and you invite me into the band and we all live happily ever after.

Or maybe I just go to your show and express my appreciation by chair dancing. Not the sexy kind of chair dancing because that would be weird. Plus I don’t know how. Might be fun to learn but with my luck I’d throw my back out. Anyway. I mean the regular ‘I may be sitting down but my torso and arms and head cannot be stopped!’ kind of chair dancing. It’s like the mullet of dancing. Tame on the bottom, wild from the waist up. So I chair dance while you funk out on stage and we all have a super time. Then later I write a post about your band’s killer performance that will be read by thousands hundreds several, maybe even tens of people. Think of the exposure.

Either way, it’s a win-win.)